REVIEW: Real Vampires Don't Sparkle by Amy Fecteau

Real Vampires Don't Sparkle by Amy Fecteau
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

The book bored me silly. I thought with a satire title the book would be funny. It wasn’t. Oh, there was one joke at Twilight’s expense but it was more of a nod to the title than a true attempt at humor. Other than that, the book had nothing that could be deemed funny whatsoever. The book was 90% filler, 10% plot, and I’m being lenient.

+ the characters

Matheus was whiny and reckless. He never persisted in seeking answers as he should have. Many questions should have been answered on the spot for the sake of the plot. Those answers would have educated him and more importantly, the reader. They would have explained what the fuck that was going on. It was absurd how Quin repeatedly and voluntarily put himself in danger with Matheus rashly chasing after him as if both had a death wish. I hated how despite his attraction to Quin, Matheus kept insisting that he was not gay and that being gay is all right but he’s not gay. The dude protested too much. Nobody was fooled.

Quin humored Matheus too much. He acted too mellow and patient with Matheus’s crap to be convincing as an antediluvian master vampire. I wished he took more care to discipline Matheus because the dude needed it, if not for Matheus than for me and my patience. However, what I truly took issue was his reticence. Quin was not a silent person but rarely did he ever say things that mattered, things that revealed his motives for all the seemingly random actions that he did. I never learned why he turned Matheus and claimed him as his soul mate.

+ the plot

There were a lot of things that I never learned that the book should have told me. Dialogues were rarely meaningful. In the rare occasions that they were and gave long-desired answers, they didn’t have the impact on the characters that they should have. “Oh, my ex-girlfriend/childhood friend was a werewolf all along? Okey dokey. Let’s return to chatting about meaningless shit.” Virtually everything, from the dialogue to the action, was delivered in a deadpan way.

The plot lacked that pull that keeps a reader reading. The reasons I finished the book at all were because of my unreasonable distaste to leave a book unfinished and my obligation to review the book. Not until the last third of the book did the plot finally seemed like it was going in a direction instead of wandering around like a bored kid. On the rising action part of the plot, readers learn a war was being waged between vampires and vampires-hating humans, something so incredibly important it should have been declared immediately in the beginning.

What was worse was that it was not until the last minute did the relationship between Matheus and Quin made an inch of progress. I knew this book was not a mm-romance, but FFS. I couldn’t believe it took so long for Matheus to even consider accepting his feelings for Quin. I couldn’t believe Quin never made a move and communicated his feelings towards Matheus. It was cliché how it took something seriously dangerous, with both men on the edge of life and true death, for them to open up to one another.

Equally bad was the fact that the ending was left open. The villains weren’t defeated. Nothing was resolved. Nothing.

In Conclusion

I rate Real Vampires Don’t Sparkle 2-stars for it was okay but only because I was bored and not actively annoyed. Though the writing was competent, the storytelling was crap. The book was a pointless time-suck. Do not recommend.

Goodreads | Amazon

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REVIEW: The Last Grand Master by Andrew Q. Gordon

The Last Grand Master by Andrew Q. Gordon
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

The story began with a blast of urgency. In the first couple chapters, our hero rode a unicorn, teleported while riding a unicorn to get there faster, swung killer magic to get through an army of bad guys, kicked some asses, — *takes a deep breathe* — rescued a surrounded party of allies leading to more ass kicking, discovered his soul mate, more magic, contributed majorly to the evacuation of a doomed kingdom, accepted his soul mate, more magic, more ass kicking, and finally when they finished evacuating, bombed the entire place to kill the bad guys who were rushing in. Bam! *exhales*

In short, the beginning = awesomesauce.

I was reluctant to read The Last Grand Master because it didn't have anything that specifically appeals to me other than the fact that it's a fantasy with a mm-romance subplot. I expected the book being fantasy that the "good parts" weren't going to kick in till late in the story. The book proved me wrong, obviously.

+ the plot

The plot eventually slowed down, and things were going well. That is till around the second quarter of the book when it took a sharp turn for melodrama. The good news was that the plot limited the melodrama within a chapter. The bad news was that every and now then there would be a chapter reeking of melodrama. The writing seriously needed to apply the art of subtext; the dialogue can be stilted and maudlin sometime.

The plot was long winded and lost some of my attention, especially towards the end where most of the melodrama resided. Not until the climax in the last quarter did my attention was regained and held at the level it was in the beginning.

+ the hero

The main reason for the melodrama was Farrell, the hero. Every time he talked about his sad past, he did it an overly emotional, drawn out, info-dumping way. It always felt contrived and absurd instead of heartbreaking as intended. Other than that, I had no problem with Farrell and his other flaws, which included a handful of insecurities.

Farrell was unabashedly a Gary Stu, and I loved it. He was a prince, a king (dual-titled if you will), a hero, a chosen one, and a grand master-level wizard (one out of the living two, the other being Meglar). He has a bond with a unicorn, and not just any unicorn, but with Nerti, queen of the unicorn. He has a soul mate, and not just any soul mate, but with Miceral, warrior prince of the Munchari race. You get the point. I really liked that the hero never hesitated to unleash his abilities to the fullest unlike so many countless, countless Urban Fantasy protagonists I have read about.

Farrell was not the bad kind of Gary Stu because he was actually competent and he did have limits, believe it or not. His Gary Stu-ness also doubled as an issue because the poor guy tried to do everything because people looked to him to fix their problems, which usually led him to overextend himself and acquire injuries and take perceived failures, especially where deaths were concerned, hard in the heart.

I liked that in spite of being a super wizard Farrell still had a lot to learn and wanted to learn. I liked that he didn't completely depend on magic for everything and realized magic had its limits; dude took martial art training. What I loved best about Farrell was that he was smart and sensible, how self-aware he was of his status and limits, which he sometime ignored so he could help people.

In short, hero = Gary Stu, but not stupid.

+ the romance

Despite being insta-love and rather cheesy, I thought the romance was good. What I liked best was how uncomplicated it was, how easily and quickly the two adjusted to each other. I didn't doubt their love. Speaking as a fan of smut, I was a little disappointed that the sex happened off page. But hey, the story was a fantasy, not a romance, so I got the point.

Anyway, I really liked that in this fantasy world same-sex relationships were a non-issue/normal, barring that odd chapters-length subplot of a minor character coming out. Speaking of which, while that subplot ended happily, the heir issue remained unresolved. It also pulled the issue of heirs from the back of my mind to the front. It was already in the back of mind because Farrell and Miceral were princes. Shouldn't the issue of heirs come up, particularly when each, as far I know, didn’t have any siblings or relatives to be backups...?

Thankfully, the issue was not a glaring kind because the two have an abnormally long life expectancy so there is more than enough time to figure it out.

+ the world building

The world was developed in many places, but where it concerned Haven, the Big Bad, and the gods it tripped. I like that Farrell welcomed every refugee to his kingdom, Haven, but I found it hard to believe that Haven would have enough resources to house and feed everyone. Not to mention jobs; idle hands are the devil's playground. I also found it hard to believe that every refugee from many different kingdoms of many different cultures would get along easily, especially when some of those refugees were nobles and surviving royals. Yeah, right. Haven was treated like it was fucking heaven and everyone kumbaya-ing.

The Big Bad was Meglar, your Evil Wizard Lord stock villain who is bent on world domination. Meglar's character development was shallow, but I didn't take issue — yet — because in book 1 he haven’t make an appearance, so far only by quick-to-be-defeated faceless proxies. In the next book, I hope there will be answer as to why the gods, six of them in total, can't simply throw a lightning bolt at the dude and kill him already.

Speaking of the gods, I didn't like how much trust Farrell placed in them even though in book 1 everything they had done had been good and timely. Farrell was asking for a world of hurt if he thought the gods always planned with his best interest in mind, or for any mortal for that matter; the thing about pursuing the greater good is that it always demands sacrifices. Anyway, the gods weren't any more developed than Meglar. They were good guys because they were good guys.

In Conclusion

I rate The Last Grand Master 3-stars for I liked it. The book lost some steam in the middle of the book, but I still enjoyed the story. If you're in the mood for a non-thinking, linear fantasy and want a hero who can already kick ass and succeed instead of waiting for book X of series Blah for the hero to attain competency, try out the book. If only some of the qualities of this book would transfer to the Urban Fantasies I read...

My favorite part was the fact that the Farrell and Miceral each bonded with a unicorn. Gay guys riding on unicorns, there should be more of that. Just saying.

Goodreads | Amazon

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REVIEW: Pursued by Joel Gomez-Dossi

Pursued by Joel Gomez-Dossi
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

The writing was good, the story was fast-paced, and that’s everything nice I can say about this book because it was crappy. I think it was going for a B-rated-teen-horror-movie thing or a parody of it, but either way the book failed. I didn’t cringe. I didn’t laugh. I just wanted to finish the book already so it would stop annoying me.

The Characters

Jamie, the MC, was stupid and naive beyond belief. I would list all the stupid things he did but I would simply be summarizing the entire story, and I say this with no exaggeration. Honestly, I can’t even give one example because I would be compelled to rant in long paragraphs.

Now I will say this: Jamie did do one smart thing...kinda. That one thing was trying to find evidence against the villain to back up his claim that the villain was a villain. Otherwise, no one would believe him because the villain was a well-connected, respected cop who was actively sabotaging the MC’s credibility. However (and this where the “kinda” comes in), if Jamie was an inch smarter, he and his friends would have hired professionals, i.e. a private detective and a lawyer, instead of amateurishly doing it themselves. It was no surprise to see that they quickly tipped off the villain who then targeted his friends too, escalating the already dangerous situation to the going-to-capture-and-torture-you level.

While Jamie was a moron, the villain was a caricature. His character seemed to me like it was based upon a hodgepodge of traits a serial killer would have.

The other characters were no better. I know everyone has problems of their own, but everyone in this book was screwed up in one way or another. Domestic violence, illegal immigrants, family estrangement, conversion therapy, etc., each issue was slapped onto a character, and wham-bam, there’s your character development.

The Ending

It was more than a case of lazy character development, it was also a lot of unnecessary and superficial drama. I didn’t like the shit-isn’t-over-yet ending, particularly the HIV issue that should have been dealt with early in the story. The obligatory bittersweet ending, recall that the book is a horror/thriller, was a shade of ridiculousness.

In Conclusion

I rate Pursued 1-star for I didn’t like it. I’m thankful that the story limited the POVs to Jamie and the villain. Multiple POVs would have make it insufferable.

Just when you think the stupidity is over, it’s BACK! There is a sequel, Deadly Cult, and I must confess. I am seriously tempted to read the sequel despite rationality. Now that’s scary.

Goodreads | Amazon

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REVIEW: In Stone: A Grotesque Faerie Tale by Jeremy Jordan King

In Stone: A Grotesque Faerie Tale by Jeremy Jordan King
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

The story started off slowly despite a hate crime scene which thankfully was quick to end and not graphic. It didn’t feel like a faerie tale (of the Grimm’s kind) till one-third of the book. The plot alternated between Jeremy’s perilous present (someone wants to kill him) and Garth’s tragic past (how he came to be cursed and lost his loved ones).

I hate it when the plot is not linear and half of it is in flashback, but the story managed to keep my attention which is a big compliment from me. The story balanced the present and past plot-lines very well in terms of action, intrigue, and making me attached to the characters. It even surprised me with a few twists I totally did not see coming.

The Characters

I liked the protagonist, Jeremy. He was pessimistic, he was contemplative, he was someone I quickly related to. Nonetheless, there was too much navel-gazing going on in the story. Many times, I was impatient with his narrative.

Garth’s part of the story was quicker to read. For a stoic, tragic character, he was likable. It helped that the story didn’t keep him as a mystery, that answers about him were doled out at a pace to my satisfaction.

What I Didn’t Like

The story had action, but it focused more on the characters’ situation and how pitiful it was... most of the time when I could scrounge up pity. Jeremy’s unrequited love for Robbie bugged me for a long while; I pitied neither of them for that and hated Robbie for leading Jeremy and Nick on. There was a little Shakespearean vibe running through the plot that I did not care for.

The story had little sense of time. For example, late in the book, scene X happened and then a couple scenes later in scene Y I learned a season has passed since scene X... I think. I didn’t know if the protagonist was still working, whether he was paying the bills, and other things that give the story its context. At one point, I was surprised to learn he moved to another place, and I immediately thought “when?” because I didn’t skim. The lazy regard for setting in Jeremy’s plot-line disrupted the sense of suspense and danger the story was building.

The story kept my attention, but it wasn’t good enough to make me want to re-read some of the scenes for clarity or even re-read the book entirely. That is mostly due to the bittersweet ending even though it was fitting. It probably helped that the relationship between Jeremy and Garth was more platonic than romantic; I don’t know for sure if Garth ever saw Jeremy in that way. The ending would have been sadder otherwise.

Poor Nick, too; he was portrayed as the antagonist when his only crime was being Robbie’s boyfriend. I’m pretty sure the things Robbie bitched about Nick to Jeremy in small talks were false. I hope things will look up for Nick.

In Conclusion

I rate the book 2-stars for it was okay. The book could have also used a tiny more proofreading because I saw two instances of homophones mix up. Other than that, In Stone was a surprisingly decent read.

Goodreads | Amazon

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REVIEW: Hell's Pawn by Jay Bell

Hell's Pawn by Jay Bell
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

CAUTION: Small Spoilers

This Is Not MM-Romance

First things first, this book isn't a paranormal romance; it's urban fantasy. There's a love interest and a few sex scenes but ultimately the dude is in unavailable because Rimmon is still in love with his ex-boyfriend. Or current boyfriend depending on your interpretation; since that interpretation would mean the love interest is cheating and John, the protagonist, is the "other man," I don't apply to this interpretation.

I thought the love interest deluded himself that he was still in a relationship with his ex-boyfriend. He deluded himself on other issues too, one of which was the fact that he's an incubus and because of that he claim he is compelled to have sex with strangers. Not to mention it's his job as one of Hell's minions. Uh huh, right. Rimmon had this self-tormented persona going on, and it annoyed me.

I felt bad for John. I thought the "romance" subplot with the love interest could have been done away. I didn't think it add anything to the story except dashing readers of Romance's expectation.

The Shining Part of the Book

The world building was great! I love how the book used mythology from many parts of the world, especially when it included Eastern Asia. I could easily tell the research was done by the accurate way the gods and the afterlife worlds were depicted. The book didn't "reinvent" a facet of the mythology; it didn't have to. The book deftly tied multiple mythologies into one cohesive world.

The other fantasy part of the book, the non-mythology based part, was also well done. Keen readers might foresee the twist about the bad guys — the strange mechanical beings birthed from humankind collective desire for order, think Matrix and Terminator — but the twist didn’t strongly impress me as a cliché.

Now For the Bad News

Why didn't I rate the book higher? The characters weren't flat, the pacing didn't drag, the plot had no holes (that I was aware of). The book was told in 1st PoV exclusively from the protagonist's side, a POV I most prefer. Except for the "romance," the book was a solid read. So why didn't I rate the book higher?

The reason was John. I cheered for him but I wasn't fully enamored with the protagonist as I could have been. He didn't annoyed me; he just didn't stand out to me. He was the kind of guy you see on the streets in a busy city, walk by him, and forget about him a second later.

There wasn't much character development for the protagonist. Once John became Hell's Pawn, he did whatever was demanded of him with little thought. Not to say he was mindless or stupid — far from it, John lacked a sense of resolve. This bogged down the book for me.

To be fair, John gained his sense of resolve and some needed character development in a scene near the end as part of the rising action. Unfortunately, it occurred too late and too little. I realized that missing piece of John's characterization was a deliberate part of the story, but that was no consolation.

In Conclusion

I rate the book 2-stars for it was okay. The book was plot-driven. While engaging and lacking any glaring flaw, the book simply didn't leave a lasting impression. I was happy to read the book, but it was kind of the book I read once and then not read it again.

Readers looking for a LGBT standalone urban fantasy with a tightly wrapped HEA will enjoy Hell’s Pawn. Readers looking for a paranormal romance should look elsewhere.

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REVIEW: Into the Lion's Den by Tionne Rogers

Into the Lion's Den by Tionne Rogers
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

If anyone's buying this, don't forget to use Lulu's coupon code: http://www.retailmenot.com/view/lulu.com I managed to get 20% off. =d

CAUTION: Spoilers

The Substitute and Into the Lion's Den are two versions of the same love story. Into the Lion's Den (ItLD) is the what-if of Guntram meeting Repin first instead of Konrad. You can read either version first, but reading both will resolve a few loose-ends that weren't satisfied with one version of the story alone.

Though Guntram suffered worse events in ItLD, he got a better ending than the one in The Substitute (TS). Guntram was free to love Konrad as an equal partner while keeping his independence intact. Readers might argue that Guntram got the same thing in TS, but I remain unconvinced that Konrad will keep his promise of allowing Guntram his independence at the end. It was too convenient for Konrad to have the consort-ring in his pocket to give to Guntram after Konrad supposedly accepted to Guntram breaking up with him. I believe he falsely accepted the breakup to make Guntram realize his love for Konrad. Basically he manipulated Guntram all the way to the story's end for him to love Konrad again. In ItLD, Guntram is truly independent in the sense that Guntram had the option to leave Konrad and remain alive. Sure, he got the same option in TS near the end but in ItLD his chances of surviving the break-up with Konrad (in the literal sense) is alot higher because Guntram's father protects him. Yes, in this version, his father is well and alive.

I like that Guntram's father is alive because he was the only sensible one. By sensible I mean only he seem to think Guntram is wacko for continually loving two mob-bosses. Readers got to know the reason why his father gave Guntram up to Konrad after the de Lisle's attempted take-over of the Order. This is one example of the loose-ends that wasn't satisfactorily resolved in TS. Also in TS, Guntram suffered the loss of his family for most of the story, in more ways than one, almost to the point of leaving Konrad forever. In ItLD, he got one of them back, the one that actually cares for him.

However, what the story gains in this version and it lost in TS. ItLD didn't have the same emotional connection between Konrad and Guntram with readers, that is there were more romance in TS than ItLD. ItLD didn't have the twins as young boys doing all sort of mischief. They were good for comedy relief and gave the story its cuteness. It didn't have the French translation footnotes. There was a conversation between Guntram and Repin when they first met in chapter one that was in untranslated French. Fortunately, I took French in high school so I got the gist of what they were saying. Nonetheless, the footnotes were needed. ItLD also didn't have strong supporting characters. In TS, readers got to follow the subplots of Ferdinand & Monika, Jean Jacques & Alexei, and the others. We came to care for them as well along with Guntram and Konrad. But in ItLD, there was none of that.

However, readers do get to know what Frederich's relationship was to Konrad if they managed to catch the very subtle hint...Frederich acted as Konrad's mother in place of his actual but absent mother and it wasn't because he was the butler. It was hinted that Frederich had a more than professional relationship with Konrad's father. Seems the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Though there were some editing errors in ItLD, it was alot less than the edition of TS that I read (I think it was the 1st). There was nothing major that would distract readers, or at least me, and thus was largely tolerable. Errors included the sometime misuse of apostrophe, mistaking "sensible lad" for "sensitive lad", and mistaking an "on time" for an "in time" in the first paragraph.

Though TS was a more compelling story, I slightly prefer ItLD because it had a better ending for Guntram. Even though I dislike Guntram for his head-banging-on-wall naivety, I still wish the best for him. Here, there was less angst, although it might have what made TS so compelling.

On a sidenote, I wish Repin got killed for the way he treated people around Guntram. Don't know why Guntram still considered Repin as kind when Repin basically murdered everyone who flirted with Guntram. Hence the head-banging-on-wall naivety... Konrad is only better in that department, but not by much. This version only reinforces my belief that Konrad was the lesser evil of the two when it comes to loving Guntram.

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